heather g.

I can’t say I ever thought I’d pass out in a health food store. I was at work and my boss was explaining to me all about her surgery, with every gory detail involved. So I was standing there, trying not to play it out in my mind. I didn’t even feel uneasy at first and I generally don’t feel sick with just talking about something bloody. I have to see it and then I’ll occasionally start to feel queasy. It wasn’t until the end of the story when I started feeling lightheaded. I went to go sit down and in the process I must of fainted because the next thing I know I’m swallowed into a black hole. A ringing sound began to fill my ears and I couldn’t see. At first I thought I was back at home about to wake up from a dream. Then my vision came back and I saw about ten people standing around me and a woman about to call 911. Apparently, my whole body folded and I fell backwards, hitting my head on the check out counter. There wasn’t enough room for my body where I fell so my neck ended up being twisted to the side against the counter. The creepy part is that everyone said my eyes were open the entire time and I just had this blank look on my face. For some reason, it doesn’t surprise me that something like this would happen to me. 

I’m still not sure what caused the black out. My best guess is that it was a combination of a hot and crowded store, low blood pressure, and imagining a ton of gory scenes in my head. 

So. With that being said, my head hurts.

I wish I had the power to just, at times, shut out my thoughts. Simple concept, yet near impossible. Your brain is capable of being a dangerous device. Running over all aspects of your life. The past, future, present. Taunting you, tormenting you with all kinds of scenarios. What could of been. What should of been. Why you did something. Why you didn’t do something. And sometimes the most painful of all, re-playing memories. Over and over again. Whether it be remembering these past times you’d like to forget, or obsessing over the millions of scenarios that didn’t and will never happen… it’s really all irrelevant. It doesn’t and will never affect you here in the now. The present day. The only possible way the past or whatever can affect you is by thought. Your brain doesn’t allow these thoughts to go to their rightful place sometimes. It’s not like you can just say to yourself “okay, times up” and stop thinking about whatever it may be. That’s the thing, you can’t escape it until your brain allows you to. You yourself have no control, and that’s the unbelievably frustrating part. The past is the past, the future is the future, and the present is right now. The present is what matters. Yet sometimes my brain can’t seem to grasp that. To sum it up, I really thought I was done remembering certain aspects of my past. Why in the hell am sitting here flashing back and thinking about it now?